Thursday, August 17, 2006

Stupid Freeman and His Stupid Tags

The great almight Mr. Freeman has decided to tag me. While I'd rather throw a clog at his head than be involved in this sort of office worker waste of time, Paul "Mr. Wacko Revengemaker" Freeman cornered me in the toxic sludge area to make sure I did what he wanted. Don't think I'll forget this, Freeman. Someday, someway, you're going to find yourself on the wrong end of some clogs.

Here's Freeman's stupid time waster.
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Revolution is My Profession by Ed Butler
However the basic methods do not change. They include:
1. The outright claim, demand or arrogation of authority, by the revolution, which declares the law illegal. It's enforcers are branded "usurpers" or "oppressors."
2. The physical removal from office by every means, from tar and feathers to a bullet in the brain.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Freeman. And while you do, the clog of destiny is going to be hammering on your little old eggshell head. Smack!

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Clog Wearers Should Be in the Slammer

This is my first chance to write in a long time. I didn't have a computer in jail. The justic system is so unfair. Beat a guy's skull with a clog and next thing you know, the police are hauling you off to jail, and some schmuck is pressing charges for assault with intent to kill.

If I'd have wanted you dead, you'd be pushing up the daisys, you pasty faced, wimped out, clog wearing freak. I trying to teach you a lesson that you had to learn at some point in your effeminate, sissy-fied life. Real men don't wear clogs. Get it? They just don't. No masculine man has ever worn clogs.

That's right. It's a fact. No real man has ever worn clogs. Deal with it. Live with it. Get used to it. Then get rid of your damn clogs!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Hey Santa, Kiss My Big White Clog Hating Hinder

I hate Santa Clause. Yeah that's right. I hate him. Oh go see Santa, they said. He'll get you what you want for Christmas, they said. Santa knows if you've been good or bad, they said. Santa brings the best gifts, they said. What a crock!

I fell for it once, but I swore I'd never let that happen to my nephew. His mom and dad want him to be this sissified little loser who always gets beat up at school. They keep buying him clogs and he thinks he likes them. He was even going to ask Santa for this extra special pair of clogs, which just turned my stomach.

So his parents ask me to take him to see Santa. Now that's the last thing I want to do on my day off. But I say yes because I know I've got to save the kid from his own limp wristed folks. But instead of driving the little guy to the mall to see Santa, I take him out to the middle of the woods where my friend Lenny jumps out from behind a tree with a bloody Santa head in his hands.

The little pansy lets out a screech and keels over onto the sod. What the hell? This is worse than I thought. The damn sissy doesn't even try to fight, he just gets a case of the vapors and passes out like a Victorian girl with ringlets on her head. We were so disgusted with him, that we just brought him back to his parents and dumped him on the lawn with a bloody Santa hat and a note that he'd maimed Santa.

So now my families mad at me for this. Can you believe it? What a bunch of namby pamby little women, and his dads the biggest woman of all. Ooooo, my sons feelings were hurt. Oooo don't emotionally scar my son, John. Oooo stop hitting me John. Owwww that clog is not meant as a weapon, John. Ooooo if you don't leave here right now, I'm calling the cops.

It would have been a nice Christmas except for that Santa crap. Yup, another Christmas ruined by Santa.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Clog Pushers

Walk down any street and you'll see them. Seedy characters out trolling for some poor sap to turn into a clog user. Hey kid, over here. Want some clogs? First times free. I swear you'll like them. Look how comfortable they are. Oh yeah, I'm walkin' on air, kid. Don't let on where you got these. Yeah, they're really free. There's no catch. I trust you, kid. I make my money in repeat business. I wouldn't steer you wrong. When you need another pair, you'll be back.

For the love of god, we must stop this scourge. Next thing you know the kids stealing money from your purse to feed his clog habit. Next he's crashing his car due to his huge be-clogged feet, your insurance is going up, and someone's suing you. Then the kid is coming home with bruises from falling off the clogs or getting pummeled in an alley way by decent citizens who don't want that element in their neighborhoods.

This horrible nightmare must end before it's too late and our neighborhoods are overrun by clog addicts. It'll be hard to get them out of the neighborhood once they've dug themselves in. Trust me. That clip clopping will drive entire families insane!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Clogs are to Death, as Satan is to Eternal Damnation

Do you realilze there are children clopping around in the streets right now wearing clogs? Do you also realize that their parents carelessly laugh off the harm that results from clog wearing? They are subjecting their children to beatings, taunts, and insults. Do they not know how harmful this is to a young childs psyche? Why would they expose their child to this sort of abuse?

There can only be one reason. Their brains have been completely destroyed by the constant clipping and clopping of their own clog wearing feet! You see? You see what sort of damage they can do? Good god man, can't you see what they're doing to the children?!

Just another reason that clogs need to be banned from society, the planet, and shot into space.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Happy Turkey Day, You Clog Dancing Freak!

Thanksgiving. A day to celebrate America, the Pilgrims and all their accomplishments. A day when normal people assume they don't have to worry about any freakin' clog lovers messing up the blessed holiday with hooligan clogs!

I guess I should have known the freaks were coming to dinner and there was no stopping their new age clog loving lunacy. My stupid little nephew arrived with red clogs that looked like something you'd see on Ronald McDonald in hell. It was all my dad, brother and uncle could do to keep me from stripping those freakin' nightmares from his fat little feet and pummeling him with them.

Then the little sissy starts bawling like a three year old girl and totally ruins Thanksgiving for everyone. All night long the family is stuck listening to this stupid kid crying. I kept telling him if he didn't shut up I was going to push him out the window, but the moron just wailed louder.

It's all my sisters fault. She knows clogs send me into a rage, but let him wear them anyway. Something about letting him make his own decisions. Yeah, great job, sis. Why don't you let him stick his head on a railroad track to hear the train getting nearer? Then she couldn't even stop him from crying. What kind of mother is that? She kept mumbling something about lunatics and jail time, but I couldn't figure out what she was talking about because I was too busy running Juniors clogs through the table saw. Freakin' little idiot. I'm just trying to teach him what the world is like, not baby his namby pamby little butt, thats sure to get kicked at school when he shows up wearing clogs. What an idiot.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

David Soul Wears Clogs

I just found out that David Soul wears clogs. I used to pal around with him during his heyday during Starsky and Hutch. He always had that annoying clipping and clopping sound, but I always assumed it was the drunken floozy he had on his arm. If I'd have known he was some freakin' clog wearer, and not the man's man he pretended to be, I'd have punched his lights out.

When I heard his "Don't Give Up On Us" single, and saw him crooning on American Bandstand, I almost flipped out on him. But David got out of a beating by saying that he just sang it for the money and because broads come running when they think you're senstitive and you've on tv packing a gun. Guess we know better now. The guy's a god damn clog wearer!

Once again, clogs ruin another man and mock America. We must destroy this menace before it destroys us and turns all our men into women.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Clogs Signal the Apocalypse

Sweet mother of god! What the hell is this world coming to when we have someone purposely creating the likes of this?

If you think that's disturbing, you ought to see the rest of this so called artists freakin' clogs. Yeah that's right. Make sure you put your fancy schmancy little copyright logo on your stupid cheese clogs photo. God knows everyone's going to want to steal it and claim it as their own.

You and your clogs make me sick! Do you hear me? Sick!!!!! Dont' come looking for me if your clogs end up broken and on fire. I wasn't there and I didn't do it.

The revolution must continue, and the clogs are going to lose.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Clog Induced Psychosis

Recently there have been some people who've called me a freak because I hate clogs. I don't know what their problem is, but everybody knows the only real freaks in this world are the clog lovers. What sort of normal person would want to wear clogs? They are so stupid it makes my head spin. They are a detriment to society and our children. Yet there are small minded people want to label me a freak for standing up for what I believe in.

What's the matter, clog lovers? Can't accept that clogs are a menace to society, emasculating, and not fit to scrape the mud off my boots? Well, then get on board the clog lovin' freaks express because you're heading for a beating if you don't get out of my way. You are the freak, you freakin' clog lover.

So let's sum up here, shall we?
  1. clogs are ugly
  2. clogs are stupid
  3. only freaks wear clogs
  4. no real man would ever wear clogs
  5. clogs on a kid guarantee loser status
  6. beatings for clog wearing should be mandatory
  7. the clip clop sound can't help but drive real men insane and they should not be held liable for any of their actions while under the influence of clog induced psychosis
I know I didn't mention the the beatings or the clog induced psychosis earlier, but damn it, they're true! And parents should be arrested for making their kids wear clogs. Why don't you just tape a sign to your kids head that says "hate me, beat me, taunt the hell out of me, and put me on the bottom of the social ladder in my school." I guess it's just easier for them to shove their kids feet into clogs than to make the effort to spell that on a sign.

So you freakin' clog lovers can expect a beating, and you'd better not complain about it. Just like I shouted at those idiot kids last night when they accused me of having a lame costume, "Yippee kiddies, I'm a quivering ball of rage - now get the hell off my porch!!"

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

You Can't Fool Me - You're A Clog!!

For the love of god, now they're making clogs out of yarn. What do they think we are, stupid? Do they really think they can fool us? A clog by any other material is still a clog. You can't just say I made this clog out of hay, so it's not offensive anymore. It's still a damn clog.

Why are the damn things so big? Damn it, the guys foot is half the size of the clog. I think they might be taunting us by making these yarn clogs bigger than they have to be. No matter what's going on, it's disturbing.

And now those clog loving freaks can sneak up on us in their silent little yarn clogs. We've got to be on guard. You never know when they'll come whisking up behind you, and tap you on the shoulder.

Okay, don't panic. Remain calm. I went on a ninety minute rage filled tour of destruction when I heard about these things, but at this moment I'm okay. Let's look at the positives - easier to rip off their clog loving feet, less clippity cloppity sounds, doubles as bag for their head, can be used to soften the blows from your fists... okay, that works for me.

Keep the fight going. Don't let them fool you. You may be yarn, but you're still a damn freakin' stupid ugly clog!!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Quit It With the Clog Clackin

So this weekend I'm down at Shooters minding my own business when I hear this horrible clip clopping sound coming down the street. The hair starts rising on the back of my neck, and I grab the nearest pool cue to beat the living daylights out of the freak, when Calzone walks in the door with a pair of clogs tied to his left ankle.

What the hell, Calzone? So I throw him down and scream in his face about how lucky he is that I didn't break his big fat head open. But he's just mumbling about how he's brought me a present. He's shaking his left ankle at me, which makes the clogs rattle in this really annoying way, and there's no way to stop him except to pop him one in the back of the skull.

I cut the clogs off his ankle, he gets up and stumbles over to the booth near the pool tables. All the while he's mumbling about how he show'd those spiders by stealing their wooden homes and that he's going to give them to some old lady who's got so many children she doesn't know what to do.

So I start beating on the pool table with my cue, and my insane rage makes the cue break and it ends up hitting this girl in the back of the head. This starts a chain reaction which ends with Calzone screaming about spiders and being hauled out the back door by Mrs. Johnson while some other chick chases after them screaming about how her boyfriend Big Drake is going to kill Calzone.

Mrs. Johnson was pretty cool. She just kept shouting that she'd scratch the girls eyes out. Then she'd adjust her tiara and again start dragging that poor bastard Calzone out of the line of fire.

So anyway, I feel pretty bad about breaking that pool cue, Calzone. I know it was your favorite. Meet me at Shooters and I'll buy you a beer. I'll keep the spiders and Mrs. Johnson off you too.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Second Hand Clogging

Ubermilf's comments about the dangers of second hand clogging was dead on accurate - annoying sound, grotesque appearance, damage to sidewalks - and it got me thinking. Why don't we have a law against clogs? Oh those freakin' clog lovers would be against it, but there are way too many reasons that the damn things are a public menace.

In addition to Ubermilf's stunningly accurate observations, I'd like to offer up the following for reasons all clogs should be burned immediately:
  1. temporary insanity caused by clippity cloppity sound
  2. insurance premiums rising due to clog related beatings
  3. arrest of innocent victims like myself just for beating violence provoking clog wearers
  4. some men think it's okay to wear them - need I say more?
  5. parents who perpetuate the cycle of clog abuse and give their children clogs
  6. those clogs with the strap on the heal that try to masquerade as non-clogs (now they're trying to disguise themselves so they can be accepted in the regular shoe world!!??)
  7. boys whose parents emasculate them by putting them in clogs
  8. hearing loss in clog filled living areas
  9. clogs are incredibly ugly and just plain ridiculous
  10. damage to heads of clog wearers
  11. damage to property in vicinity of clog wearers
  12. clog wearers aren't careful where their shoes might fly during a fight
  13. arrogance of clog wearers when told their shoes are stupid
  14. your clog to the back of your head
  15. my fist, your face
I think it's about time we started saving the children from this menace. After all, can't we dream that our children can live in a clog free world, where all shoes are soft soled and don't impair their hearing?

Have a heart, stop messing with the children, and get off your god damn clogs!!

Friday, October 14, 2005

That's Right I'm a Man, You Clog Loving Freak

What sort of a man wears clogs? A whining little sissy who hangs onto his mothers skirt. So don't think you can taunt me by saying "oh John, you must be fighting against your pseudo-gay tendencies, why else would you hate clogs?" Well I've got my reasons, and they're damn good reasons. But I don't need to justify that to you clog lovers.

You freaks just twist what I say into something different and then I end up beating you in the head with your wooden shoes of death. And don't blame me for that, because I warned you to stay the hell away from me, but did you listen? No, because you're too busy whining and crying about your favorite footwear, the misunderstood clog.

Boo hoo, no one understands my shoes. I'm going to blubber like a big baby and clip clop off down the road to a nicer bar where I don't have to listen to real men explain why only a namby pamby would wear stupid shoes. Damn it! Quit making me mad. I'm not responsible for the damage I inflict on anyone wearing clogs. It's your fault for having no respect for my boundaries.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Rise Up and Demand a Clog Free Future

I have a dream that one day we shall live in a clog free nation. There shall not be the horrible clopping and clipping of clog ladden feet, but in it's place shall echo the soft whooshing sound of rubber soles and soft furry moccasins. I have a dream that one day the children shall not have to grab their heads in pain or roll their eyes skyward due to the inconsiderate clog wearing freak and the heavy clog burden on society.

Yes, I have a dream, my friends, that the Little Clog Dancing Laddies will transform in spirit and shoes to become the Wee Soft Shoe Kiddies. I have a dream one day this world will be transformed into a place where clogs are burned and clog dancers have the shoes ripped off their heavy wooden clopping feet.

This is my hope. This is the faith with which I return to my job in Plastics. With this faith, we can work together, struggle together, and go to jail together to bring the freedom from clogs that all true men desire. For I have a dream and I know we shall all be free one day.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Those Clog Dancing Boys May As Well Call Themselves Women

So I'm on my break and decide to go outside the complex to get some fresh air. I sit down outside the back of the complex convention center, when all of a sudden I hear this clippin' and a-cloppin' coming from the backstage area. Turns out Freeman has hired some children's clog dancing group to perform at the Benefit for the French, which is some lame three day event supposed to raise money to ween the French from their fascination with Jerry Lewis. What the hell??!!!

Freeman knows I am not responsible for any violence that occurs in a clog related incident. But that old bastard still books an entire group of clog clad kids. And worst of all, they're all boys!! I can't understand why any parent would let their son wear clogs, let alone dance in them.

So I started taunting them and throwing rocks at their wooden shoes. What else could I do? Someone's got to teach those little namby pambys a lesson. Then as one of the little idiots was running away screaming, he tripped and cut open his chin.

Oh boo hoo, ya little velvety clog lad, why don't you just cry away what little shred of masculinity you have left. You may as well call yourself Alice after this, you little clog wearing freak.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Back off, freak!

Once again I need to give you people a warning. Stop leaving comments on little pieces of clog shaped paper in my locker. If I ever catch who is doing this, you're dead!

Friday, September 23, 2005

What the Hell?

Freeman tells me some stupid dummy tagged me and I have to do this. He said if I didn't I'd be hearing dancing clogs in the ventilator shaft until Ape Law was reenacted.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
  1. destroy the House of Clogs
  2. write a manifesto
  3. find a really good Italian restaurant
  4. punch out that chick who lives in the apartment downstairs
  5. find the guy who sucker punched me at Shooters
  6. marry and divorce that rich broad who owns the factory
  7. beat Freeman in a hotdog eating contest

Seven Things I Can Do

  1. beat you about the head with your freakin' clogs
  2. dig up a corpse
  3. track down anyone who leaves clogs or clog comments on my workstation
  4. locate information you don't want found
  5. ruin your party
  6. scare everyone in town
  7. look good in a suit

Seven Things I Can't Do

  1. drink as much as Lenny
  2. consume an entire leg of lamb
  3. stop maiming stupid clog dancers
  4. go to Holland
  5. womens work
  6. keep my fist out of the face of a man wearing clogs
  7. listen to Hendrix after that damned woman smashed my stereo

Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person

  1. lack of clogs
  2. no friends with clogs
  3. hates Holland
  4. fire
  5. machetes
  6. obnoxious personality
  7. strange wigs

Seven Things I Say Most Often

  1. Where's your god now, clog boy?
  2. get the hell away from me, you freak!
  3. what the hell is wrong with you people?
  4. Oh yeah? Well heres a taste of my fist.
  5. You ignorant clog wearing freak!
  6. What is your problem?
  7. Your wooden shoes are going to get you killed.

Seven Celebrity Crushes

  1. Marilyn Monroe
  2. Raquel Welch
  3. Brigitte Bardot
  4. Bo Derek
  5. Farrah Fawcett
  6. Charo
  7. that blond girl in that French film

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

How To Mess Up Your Kid, One Clog at a Time

Last night I'm sitting in my apartment, minding my own business, when all of a sudden there's this clip clopping sound coming from the hallway. It sounded like a freakin' horse. So I open my door and there in the hallway was this little boy wearing clogs! A boy??!!

I threw a phone book at him and the kid fell right on his ass. He started crying, then his mom ran over and told me I was a horrible person. Like it's my fault the little sissy boy is bawling like a baby. What sort of moron puts their kids in wooden shoes? Of course he's crying, lady. This is your fault. You've just stripped him of all his masculinity. Any boy worth his salt should be able to dodge a phonebook. Another example of clogs destroying a life.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Are you trying to make me kill you?

You people are morons! Do you really think it's funny to leave little oragami clogs on my machine? Do you not know I can hunt you down and kill you for this? I know ten ways to kill a man with a ball point pen. Don't think this will go unpunished!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Clogs are the Devils Flip Flops!!!

After five years of divorce, my ex calls and asks if I borrowed her clogs. What the hell would I borrow those for? I think she's just trying to tick me off.

Death to Clogs!!!

Get your freakin' clogs off this planet and go back where you came from! I think I've made myself clear.